Sandisk Sansa Fuze 4GB Media Player

Just Pray They Haven’t Found Your LiveJournal Yet

“Your qualifications are impeccable, Ms. Howe. But let’s talk about a certain Facebook posting from November 2007, shall we?”

“Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Let me refresh your memory. At 9:23 PM on Thursday, November 15, 2007, you – or someone with access to your Facebook account, but let’s not embarrass ourselves with that dodge – posted the following: ‘OMG 30 Rock’s even funnier when I watch with my friend Cheeba.’ Do you deny posting this, and further, do you deny using the term ‘cheeba’ as a euphemism for an illegal substance?”

“Uh, well, I don’t remember exactly, but -”

“No, I’m sure you don’t.”

“Well, uh, look, I was unemployed at the time, and, you know, I just didn’t think it would be a big deal… but I’ve, uh, learned my lesson. Totally. I’ll submit to a drug test any time, except that I’m really busy for the next 30 days.”

“Duly noted. Let’s move on. On August 3, 2006, you posted a photo to your Flickr account depicting yourself drinking what appears to be a bottle of Smirnoff Twist Arctic Berry, an alcoholic beverage. Furthermore, the photo is labeled ‘Chillin’ at the dog fight’. Two questions, Ms. Howe: how old were you when that photo was taken in 2006?”

“Um, 20. And a half. 20-and-a-half.”

“And at the time that photo was taken, did you support illegal dogfighting?”

“Only by betting on it. And paying admission to get in. And occasionally disciplining some misbehaving dogs for my friend Wayne Wayne. I’m through with that now, though. That Michael Vick bust was a real wake-up call.”

“I’m sure it was. Now, another item. During 2005, under the ‘Likes’ section of your Friendster profile, you listed the following items as ‘Like’: ‘sharing needles’; ‘spreading computer viruses’; and ‘selling confidential and proprietary information to my boss’s competitors’. Care to explain, Ms. Howe?”

“I was just a mixed-up kid. A confused, strung-out kid who caused millions of dollars’ worth of electronic infrastructure damage. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?”

“At least one of us has. Finally, Ms. Howe, a revelation of more recent vintage. A posting to Blippy indicates that you purchased a Sandisk Sansa Fuze 4GB Media Player from Woot.com on October 1, 2010. Is this true?”

“Yes, I did, but what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing at all, Ms. Howe. Nothing at all. Your choice of the Sansa Fuze clearly indicates that you understand how to look beyond hype and hipness when making your purchases. This eminently affordable 4GB player offers the same music and video playback functions as the big-name players. Indeed, its drag-and-drop file-loading ability is considerably easier and less encumbered with DRM nonsense. Congratulations, Ms. Howe. Anyone savvy enough to buy a Sansa Fuze is someone we’d be happy to have on our team.”

“Wow. Seriously? Even after, you know, all that other stuff?”

“Well, your patronage of a bottom-feeding degenerate outfit like Woot.com doesn’t speak well for you. But sometimes we have to dig through the animal droppings to find the gourmet coffee, don’t we?”

“Thank you, sir. I- I don’t know what to say. If there’s anything else you need from me, just let me know.”

“Actually, there is. Do you know where I can get my hands on some of that ‘cheeba’ you mentioned? All this electronic spying is really stressing me out.”